I may not be a classical hero, but I can say with more than a little confidence that a special corner of the underworld is reserved for those in the movie industry who decide games should be turned into the most hideous and insulting of cinematic creations. There may be the occasional film related to games that actually deserves to be watched, such as ‘The King of Kong’ or… well it’s not exactly the most artistic of genres. With that in mind, I’m going to try to choose the worst five. I have friends who know film, but who, like me, are entirely willing to forgo our intelligence, values and tastes to watch the latest Resident Evil, or sit through another abomination directed by Uwe Boll, so I can claim a small level of expertise in the field. Before we go any furhter, honourable mention to a few who just weren’t quite awful enough to make the list (or in the case of DOA, that I forgot about until I was finished)
Resident Evil: Extinction, Dead or Alive, Silent Hill, Wing Commander, Hitman, Max Payne and Prince of Persia. Yes, they are mostly awful, but that’s only a taste of the horrors ahead. It’s about to get a lot worse.
At number five, we find that most hideous of creations, the ‘good’ game movie. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within’ had an enormous budget, was marketed heavily, and had the backing of one of the few mainstream publishers of games who focus heavily on story. Why it became so unwatchable is beyond me. Credit where it’s due, the effects are phenomenal. This looks better than CG movies do now, but with a loyal fan base rabidly expecting a strong plot and great performances from the voice actors, it should come as some surprise that the movie was a confused mess of incoherent plot. Of course, for those of us initiated to Squaresoft, this came as no surprise. Production values through the roof, marketing which promised a true epic… Final Fantasy VIII anyone? What we got, after so much to look forward to, was a story which was excruciatingly dull. But it looked pretty, so pretty.
Thankfully, most game movies are well aware that they’re bad. They don’t pretend, they don’t try to be clever, they just give gamers what they love in movie form. What’s not to like? Well, frankly, a lot. Doom took one of gaming’s most beloved franchises and assumed this would be enough to make a successful movie. Quick pop quiz – What is Doom’s plot? Even if you know that it’s about space marines stranded on a planet full of hostile creatures from Hell (or something), it hardly screams ‘Oscar nomination’ does it? Featuring a particularly wooden performance from The Rock, who actually salvages some credibility with a fun, WWE-esque heel turn, (um, spoiler) the movie is an abomination. The plot is actually quite close to the game, which hardly helps matters, and the performances are so poor they make Steven Seagal look like Sidney Poitier. Close your eyes during the first person ‘nod’ to the source material, or you may suffer motion sickness. I’m not kidding.
Kylie Minogue, Jean Claude Van Damme, Raul Julia… yes, that’s right, people you may have heard of. (If you haven’t heard of Raul Julia, shame on you.) And yes, I’m talking about Street Fighter: The Movie. You’ve seen it, I know you have. No gamer hasn’t, and no gamer doesn’t regret it. Ok, it has a certain appeal that increases after a few beers and an inventive drinking game, but this is still a hideous effort at creating a movie based on a game. Featuring most of the classic characters in bit part roles, we follow Guile (Van Damme) as he tries to stop the evil M. Bison. (Julia) This involves a battle between the U.N. and Shadaloo, E Honda as a cameraman, Dee Jay as an I.T. worker in Shadaloo HQ and Cammy as Kylie Minogue. No, I don’t know what’s going on either. At least the screenwriters here tried to create a plot (unlike the Neanderthals who worked on Doom) but what they created made little to no sense, and all attempts to include as many characters as possible seemed to just exacerbate how poor each interpretation of said character was. Re-imaginings of classic characters don’t get worse than this…
OH WAIT! Super Mario Bros. Yes, the lovable plumber’s pipe-diving adventures were considered plot-heavy enough for a movie adaptation. Of course, the imaginative and interesting world of Mario’s Mushroom Kingdom isn’t Hollywood ready. It needed some grit, some edge, some more moronic buzz-words. So it got a makeover, a darker, more mature one. With Goombas now 7-foot tall beefcakes with pinheads, Yoshi a velociraptor and Dennis Hopper as ‘King Koopa’ phoning in one of the worst performances of his career, this could only be awful, and awful it was. Bob Hoskins, another credible actor, sells his soul for the attempt to flush his career away as Mario, while John Leguizamo finds as many ways as possible to make the audience cringe as Luigi. Somehow all the Koopas are gangsters in an alternate universe that looks like the set designers drunkenly recreated Total Recall’s Mars. How this film ever made it past so many executives, producers, editors and actual talented actors without being canned is a testament to the folly of man more damning than any act of evil I can think of*.
Coming in at number one, with a bullet (I can hope) is not one movie, but a man. A man who has sullied the name of many a beloved franchise, who has done more to upset gamers than the Australian government’s policy on censorship. (Presumably) Well actually, that’s kind of unfair, because House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne are hardly ‘beloved franchises’ but he still butchers them with aplomb. Let’s start with Alone in the Dark, which stars ‘ham for hire’ Christian Slater in what is easily the worst performance of his career, and that’s saying something. Slater veers between overacting and barely being awake, and his co-stars are far worse. They fight monsters, and supermen, and monsters and eventually he sleeps with the female lead in the kind of love scene that makes you wonder if Slater has ever actually seen a woman. So, awful then. House of the Dead is horrible too, but for different reasons. It starts off similarly to most generic horror movies, but suddenly angry and confused zombies in Halloween outfits are running around like headless chickens. The scenes are shot in a way that I’m sure Boll thought would make the viewer disoriented and afraid, but it just makes one confused and upset. Unfortunately I’m yet to subject myself to Postal, Bloodrayne, Bloodrayne 2, Bloodrayne (not joking here) 3, Far Cry, Rampage or any of Boll’s other works. Boll is so unpopular, and his critics so vocal, that he felt the need to challenge some of them to a boxing match (see main image for proof). In true moronic schoolyard bully fashion, Boll failed to reveal his semi-professional ability and he unfortunately got to cause some pain to the critics who stung him with words. An online petition even exists to try force him to retire. He’s been panned across the board, his films are considered some of the worst of all time, yet the fact I’ve seen two of them, one on non-satellite television no less, really speaks for his audience. We gamers are not a discriminating bunch.
*(Dramatisation – may not have happened)